{"id":18006,"date":"2017-06-27T12:23:28","date_gmt":"2017-06-27T19:23:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.momservations.com\/?p=18006"},"modified":"2017-06-27T12:23:28","modified_gmt":"2017-06-27T19:23:28","slug":"thanks-for-the-warning-not","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/momservations.com\/index.php\/2017\/06\/27\/thanks-for-the-warning-not\/","title":{"rendered":"Thanks for the Warning (Not)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Momservation:<\/strong> If things get better with age, I\u2019m about to become f**king awesome.<\/p>\n

\u263a\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u263a\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u263a<\/p>\n

\"\"
Hello Middle Age. You suck.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Really? Forty-six? Barely knocking on the back door of 50? THIS is what I get:<\/p>\n

Buying reading glasses by the six-pack.<\/p>\n

Dying my hair every three weeks and plucking every two days.<\/p>\n

Hot flashes coming quicker than Usain Bolt.<\/p>\n

Permanent laugh lines that make it seem like I thought the world was hilarious the last four decades.<\/p>\n

A larger body of food and I having to part ways because they\u2019ve decided to take up mixed martial arts with my intestines.<\/p>\n

Puffy. Everything is puffy no matter what I do. A bazillion sit-ups, a full hour of Kelly Ripa and Ryan on the elliptical, running when no one is chasing me, cutting out my beloved salt\u2026Everything. Just. Stays. Puffy.<\/p>\n

Except my thinning hair. It can\u2019t decide if it wants to fall out or regrow surprise-style from horribly embarrassing places.<\/p>\n

Prior to being given any sort of notice, I have become a woman of a certain age and certain size and I\u2019m not certain I like it.<\/p>\n

Why didn\u2019t anyone warn me that Middle Age is not just for old people? What happened to Foxy Forties? Where\u2019s my Cougar Town? I\u2019m not seeing Penelope Cruz when I accidently open my camera in selfie mode\u2014I\u2019m seeing a chin convention!<\/p>\n

Back in my 20\u2019s and 30\u2019s when I heard people say, \u201cOh, I can\u2019t eat that because it doesn\u2019t agree with me,\u201d or \u201cNow where did I put my other pair of reading glasses?\u201d I thought these people were like ancient.<\/em><\/p>\n

Nope. Forties. They were in their forties.<\/p>\n

\"\"
Darby and I are currently the same age. Blondes can hide the grays so much easier.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I blame my mom, really, for not sounding the alarm and at least giving me a chance to run. That woman has looked youthful and great well into her 60\u2019s. Middle Age has looked awesome on her. Sure, she had to move up to the industrial strength bra and carries extra luggage just for her vitamins and face creams, but people were still mistaking her for Sally Field in her 40\u2019s (as Gidget, not as Forest Gump\u2019s mom).<\/p>\n

When I confronted her about this menopause nonsense in my 40\u2019s she said, \u201cI guess I was about 48 or 49 when it started.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cForty-five, Mom! Why am I having hot flashes at 45?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, you\u2019ve always been an overachiever,\u201d she answered.<\/p>\n

So, great. I\u2019m an overachiever in the Middle Age group. Swell.<\/p>\n

But, hey, for all you people in your forties who are also in hand-to-hand combat with the quickly advancing age army come on in and join me in my pity party\u2014the water\u2019s warm.<\/p>\n

But it might be because I peed in it. Incontinence. Another joy of Middle Age\u2026<\/p>\n

#WontGoDownWithoutAFight \u00a0\u00a0#YoungAtHeart<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If things get better with age, I’m about to become f’ing awesome.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":18009,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[165],"tags":[2167,2269,2,86,3,2270,2271,2272,5,6,28,1361,2273,2274],"class_list":["post-18006","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting-humor-2","tag-best-blogs","tag-changes-in-your-40s","tag-family","tag-kelli-wheeler","tag-kids","tag-menopause","tag-middle-age","tag-middle-age-woes","tag-momservations","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-humor","tag-teens","tag-when-does-menopause-start","tag-women-in-their-40s"],"yoast_head":"\nThanks for the Warning (Not) - Kelli M. 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