{"id":12499,"date":"2014-03-18T11:55:29","date_gmt":"2014-03-18T18:55:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/momservations.wordpress.com\/?p=12499"},"modified":"2014-03-18T11:55:29","modified_gmt":"2014-03-18T18:55:29","slug":"dont-make-me-talk-about-nocturnal-emissions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/momservations.com\/index.php\/2014\/03\/18\/dont-make-me-talk-about-nocturnal-emissions\/","title":{"rendered":"Don’t Make Me Talk About Nocturnal Emissions!"},"content":{"rendered":"

Momservation: <\/b>You can\u2019t send kids to the frontlines of sexual development without a battle plan.<\/p>\n

\u263a\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u263a\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u263a<\/p>\n

\"talking<\/a>Nothing says \u201ccaptive audience\u201d like a birds and the bees talk in a moving vehicle.<\/p>\n

But the kids left me no choice. When I thought I saw an opportune time to broach the Facts of Life subject my kids would scatter in all directions like cockroaches when the light flicks on.<\/p>\n

Looking for a little outside help I signed off on permission for my kids to watch the Family Life video at school (which must\u2019ve been sponsored by Proctor and Gamble because it was essentially an infomercial for deodorant and feminine products).<\/p>\n

Afterward I asked them, \u201cHow was the video? Do you have any questions? Anything you\u2019d like to discuss?\u201d<\/p>\n

My kids, mortified I came within a general question of talking about normal bodily functions\u2014not even the dreaded S-word\u2014would quickly shoosh me with, \u201cFine. No. Nothing,\u201d before climbing the walls to get away from me and any more questions.<\/p>\n

Soon, I began using the S-E-X talk as a threat. \u201cIf you don\u2019t get in here right now and clean this room I am going to talk to you about the Family Life video!\u201d Instant clean room.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you don\u2019t quit your bickering we\u2019re going to have a serious discussion about where babies come from!\u201d Peace and harmony once again reigned.<\/p>\n

I even used it to get chores done without nagging. \u201cWhoever unloads the dishwasher doesn\u2019t have to talk to me about nocturnal emissions and menstrual cycles!\u201d Kids fighting over cleaning the kitchen and even desperate offers to vacuum the house.<\/p>\n

But the time finally came when I decided I couldn\u2019t send them to the front lines without a battle plan. I tried to get my teenagers to come to me on their own by standing hard to my NO PG-13\/R-Rated movies stance. \u201cWhen you\u2019re ready to have a frank discussion about sex with me, that\u2019s when I\u2019ll think you\u2019re mature enough to see movies filled with inappropriate sexual content.\u201d No takers, but a great way to avoid Adam Sandler<\/a> movies.<\/p>\n

It was a thirty-minute car ride when I finally seized the chance to educate and inform my daughter without her hope for escape. Interrupting our genial conversation I took a deep breath and said, \u201cI know this is going to be uncomfortable, but I wouldn\u2019t be a good mom if I didn\u2019t talk to you about sex.\u201d<\/p>\n

I quickly reviewed all the major points, tried to dispel any misinformation, and threw out the term \u201csomething that happens between MATURE, COMMITTED, ADULTS\u201d quite a bit.<\/p>\n

When I finally turned my head to make the dreaded eye contact with her she only had one thing to say:<\/p>\n

\u201cNow can I see Bridesmaids<\/i><\/a>?\u201d<\/p>\n

#TalkingToTeensAboutSex #RipTheBandAidOff<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

How to educate kids on the birds and the bees without hope for escape.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":12503,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[165],"tags":[1151,1317,1318,1319,2,1320,86,3,5,28,1321,1322],"class_list":["post-12499","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting-humor-2","tag-adam-sandler","tag-best-mom-blog","tag-birds-and-the-bees","tag-bridesmaids","tag-family","tag-how-to-talk-to-kids-about-sex","tag-kelli-wheeler","tag-kids","tag-momservations","tag-parenting-humor","tag-talking-to-teen-about-sex","tag-talking-to-teens-about-birds-and-bees"],"yoast_head":"\nDon't Make Me Talk About Nocturnal Emissions! - Kelli M. Wheeler<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/momservations.com\/index.php\/2014\/03\/18\/dont-make-me-talk-about-nocturnal-emissions\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Don't Make Me Talk About Nocturnal Emissions! - Kelli M. Wheeler\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"How to educate kids on the birds and the bees without hope for escape.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/momservations.com\/index.php\/2014\/03\/18\/dont-make-me-talk-about-nocturnal-emissions\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Kelli M. 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