{"id":12092,"date":"2013-04-23T12:13:26","date_gmt":"2013-04-23T19:13:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/momservations.wordpress.com\/?p=12092"},"modified":"2013-04-23T12:13:26","modified_gmt":"2013-04-23T19:13:26","slug":"rounding-the-bases-literally-and-figuratively","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/momservations.com\/index.php\/2013\/04\/23\/rounding-the-bases-literally-and-figuratively\/","title":{"rendered":"Rounding the Bases — Literally and Figuratively"},"content":{"rendered":"

Momservation: <\/b>Only a father holds the answer to the question: At what point does a boy look at a boob and decide, I think I\u2019d like to give that a squeeze<\/i>?<\/p>\n

\u263a\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u263a\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u263a<\/p>\n

Okay, I\u2019ve been putting off writing about this until I could figure out a way of keeping the pervs off my website. But there\u2019s just no way around it and this story is too good not to tell. So for all you sickos who just landed here for a cheap thrill: just keep moving to the Kardashians\u2019<\/a> website\u2026<\/p>\n

We Wheelers are big fans of the San Francisco Giants<\/a>. We loved Buster Posey<\/a> the second we heard someone would dub their kid \u201cBuster\u201d \u2014 it was a bonus that he turned out to be a damn fine ball player. We even call our son, a skilled catcher and power hitter, Mini BP.<\/p>\n

\"image<\/a>
image courtesy of Men’s Health<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

So when I\u2019m at the dentist office and see Buster Posey on the cover of April\u2019s Men\u2019s Health<\/a>, I eagerly flip to the article called \u201cThe Naturals\u201d <\/i>about young baseball players making MLB history.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s an inspirational story complete with cutie-patootie pics of our boy Buster, but I didn\u2019t get a chance to finish it before being called in to Dr. Endo<\/a> (GREAT dentist for you Sacramento area peeps).<\/p>\n

I make a plan to swing by a newsstand to get a copy of the magazine, eager to share it with Mini BP. Just starting his baseball season, I want him to read \u201cThe Posey Principles\u201d among other interesting pointers and facts. Plus, since he\u2019s not a big fan of reading, I\u2019m hoping this kind of reading will jump-start his interest. I\u2019m already anticipating being The Cool Mom for bringing this home for him.<\/p>\n

So I grab the Men\u2019s Health and I\u2019m flipping through it while waiting to check out. I\u2019m thinking I need to buy this mag more often for all the yummy men staring back at me from all the name brand ads when I get to the article. (Men and women\u2019s mags have it backwards\u2014put the hot guy ads in WOMEN\u2019S magazines and send the impossibly skinny pouty lipped gals to the men!)<\/p>\n

As I turn the last page of the article thinking Mini BP\u2019s gonna love the profiles on Mike Trout and Bryce Harper too, I gasp.<\/p>\n

Provocative woman with F-me eyes and perfect perky boob hanging out staring back at me with the title: \u201cThe 5 Senses of Sex.\u201d <\/i>The \u201c5\u201d is strategically placed over her nipple.\"Men's<\/a><\/p>\n

I can\u2019t give this to Mini BP!! He\u2019s only 13! And a really immature 13! I don\u2019t want to be the one to introduce him to the five senses of sex and bedroom eyes and naked breasts!<\/p>\n

I go to put the magazine back, but I\u2019m like, \u201cShoot. The Buster profile is a REALLY good article though. <\/i>So I decide I\u2019ll just rip The 5 Senses of Sex out. But darn, then Mini BP won\u2019t get to read the profile on Bryce Harper.<\/p>\n

Disappointed I go to put the magazine back. Then I get another idea. I\u2019ll staple the pages shut to The Five Senses of Sex complete with Playboy worthy photos!<\/p>\n

Even as I purchase the Men\u2019s Health mag with my plan in place, I know that nothing says \u201cHey! Someone doesn\u2019t want you to see this! Better take a peek!\u201d like pages stapled together in the middle of a magazine.<\/p>\n

But I do it anyway hoping my little rule follower can resist the temptation. As extra insurance I try to make it hard for him to sneak a peek through the staples without evidence of ripped pages by putting about a million staples around the edges of the five pages.<\/p>\n

Before Mini BP gets home from school I call Hubby at work to tell him about the stupid article that threatened to ruin my Cool Mom moment.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet ME see it before you staple it!\u201d he says a little too eagerly.<\/p>\n

\u201cToo late,\u201d I tell my grown adolescent before hanging up.<\/p>\n

Later, when I excitedly present the magazine to Mini BP and tell him I think he\u2019ll really like the article on his main-man Posey, he throws me a thanks before telling me he\u2019ll read it later and rushes out the door to go play Man Tracker (hide-and-go-seek with a cooler name).<\/p>\n

For the next few days I keep reminding Mini BP about the article, but I can see that an article about one of his favorite players is no match for watching them live on CSN Bay Area with Kruk and Kuip<\/a>.<\/p>\n

And as they days pass, I become uneasy again about the temptation of the stapled pages and what they\u2019ll reveal, and decide it\u2019s probably for the best if Mini BP wasn\u2019t interested in reading The Naturals.<\/p>\n

Then\u2026the magazine disappears from where it\u2019s been languishing on the homework desk. I panic. Did he finally read the article? Did he unstaple the pages? Is the magazine under his mattress and will I find it there with some old Playboys?<\/i><\/p>\n

I frantically search the house. I\u2019m relieved when I don\u2019t find it in Mini BP\u2019s room or under his mattress. But now I\u2019m worried where he did stash it, certain my son who had shown more interest in ball sports than girls is now seeing how he can stimulate his five senses with the opposite sex.<\/p>\n

Oh, I am SO not the Cool Mom! I wasn\u2019t the one who was supposed to teach him about rounding the bases!<\/p>\n

And then I find the magazine. Its pages carefully unstapled so as not to rip its precious contents\u2026<\/p>\n

\u2026in Hubby\u2019s nightstand drawer.<\/p>\n

Explains the bedroom eyes last night\u2026damn good article, BTW.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Funny story about a teenage boy, Buster Posey, a protective mother, and boobs<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[165],"tags":[947,137,948,949,2,950,86,3,951,5,28,144,952,953],"class_list":["post-12092","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-parenting-humor-2","tag-april-mens-health","tag-buster-posey","tag-csn-bay-area","tag-dr-endo","tag-family","tag-kardashians","tag-kelli-wheeler","tag-kids","tag-kruk-and-kuip","tag-momservations","tag-parenting-humor","tag-sf-giants","tag-teaching-the-birds-and-the-bees","tag-teenage-boys"],"yoast_head":"\nRounding the Bases - Literally and Figuratively - Kelli M. Wheeler<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/momservations.com\/index.php\/2013\/04\/23\/rounding-the-bases-literally-and-figuratively\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Rounding the Bases - Literally and Figuratively - Kelli M. Wheeler\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Funny story about a teenage boy, Buster Posey, a protective mother, and boobs\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/momservations.com\/index.php\/2013\/04\/23\/rounding-the-bases-literally-and-figuratively\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Kelli M. 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